You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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