I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
