Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
