Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
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