haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
