true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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