This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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