The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
