I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
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