Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
