I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
