I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
