if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
