life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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