Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
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