Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
