Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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