There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
