im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize