after a month anything with tits is on the radar
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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