does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Randomize
