you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
