I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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