i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
