i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
