I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
