I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
