Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
