Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
