she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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