Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Randomize
