just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Randomize
