Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
