I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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