just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
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