I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
