I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Those nachos came to me in a dream
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
