Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
