and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
