Umm I'm too high to move.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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