ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
