Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
