I can text with my tongue
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
