the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
