No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
My life is pants optional.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
