it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
