last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
