so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Randomize
