Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
