You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
