wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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