Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
