I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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