Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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