I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
it's like heaven, but drunker
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
