im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I'm both gender and math confused
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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