1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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