I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Randomize
