I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Randomize
