I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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