Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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