pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Randomize
