Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize