Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
