Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
