It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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