Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
and you said cock pushups were impossible
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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